Friday, 29th of January 2021 - 06:27 GMT
Outside there is still no sun, I just drank some hot chocolate milk that had the effect on me of a beer, insomnias, lockdown, anxiety ... I need to write, no one might read it but I need to put the words out.
At the end of 2020 I had a thousand plans for not.so.secret.scriptures but I should know better that plans don't always turn into something... the funny thing is that through the ups and downs of one of our generations' (even our parents generation) years I found something I was looking for for at least 12 years. I found self love, as shallow as it is, physical self love.
I have psoriasis and so what??? Thank you Georgia Harris for making me feel reflected, understood and for the first time in 12 years with psoriasis not giving a damn. Excuse my self esteem or not but I am fucking beautiful.
At the end of last year I understood so many things but no one can have it all figured out at 22, damn I wanna keep on making mistakes, that means I am alive, I am someone, with wounds and scars, someone in progress, I will always be, we all will.
After Christmas all that self revelation was kinda gone, I had family business in the middle and insomnias started hitting me.
I left this blog and its partner instagram aside, I had no content, and no energy to give love to my favourite creatores.
I won't write the posts I had planned for this month, because I do this for free and I don't feel like doing it.
It is weird how I feel like I am living one of the best loving myself moments of my life and at the same time I cry pretty much every day and every so often feel like shit.
I am a mess. A mess that doesn't want to be that messy. As soon as possible I want to be back to my therapist, adjust medication and all that stuff is necessary and this time I love myself too much to let it go.
So here I am a contradiction, high and low, happy and sad, beautiful and broken ...
I think as the month reaches its end I'll be back on not.so.secret.scriptures, I have some content, I want to see the posts I missed but I also want to keep on visiting my personal account because I don't care if people I know personally see my selfies, yap, now I post selfies because I can and I want.
Cheers to every person that learns to love themselves a little bit more everyday, a huge hug to those still processing ... and like I learned this week healing isn't linear, nothing is, with ups and downs I guess I kinda am back.
Love, Joana
And never forget to love yourself if even for just a minute in a day all you could do was crying and feel useless, you're not 🤍
