Not so secret scriptures

Day 57 🍺

Am I gonna still doing the 'Chronicles of a quarantine'?

This used to be a Friday night kind of thing. A coping mechanism during the quarantine. Right now I feel that these posts are getting too repetitive and sometimes I really don't know if there's anything interesting to say ... Also, technically quarantine is over. We are supposed to stay at home if we can and both my theatre and german classes are online so I am still on quarantine mood but is not an obligation anymore (?)

Since the last chronicle of a quarantine...

I have been attending my online classes and reading quite a lot. I think that's the extent of my productivity. I had some great time reading, playing trivial with my family, video chatting with my best friend and the other day when I went for a walk. I've been journaling a lot too, which is really fun and relaxing.

However, I spent my days pretty much on my bed and I haven't played the piano or drawing in weeks...

skam noora | Tumblr discovered by AMLBLK on We Heart It

Feelings ...

I miss my friends a lot, I miss just hugging them, laughing about everything and anything, grab a drink on Starbucks or Costa, dance all night long, all those stuff, but I know already from the experience of all of us living far from each other that no matter the distance we are always together.

I miss the ocean as fuck, that's my happy place but I try not to think much about it, to say the truth not thinking has been the strategy.

I keep my mind occupied with books, series, films, music, youtube ... as much as possible.

Today I had this conversation with my dad about my goals for the future and his lack of faith in my dreams didn't cause that much of an impact as I thought, maybe in a few days I will be crying over it and my own insecurities. For now, I got a beer and just contemplated other things ...

I am not okay in terms of my mental health, that is a fact, but I guess I won´t be back to the psychiatrist soon, so I just breathe in, breathe out and try to live the moment.

I was thinking about how I am okay at lots of things but not really great at any, I always thought that but today it just hit me again, but this time it didn't hurt that much. I guess today I am not in the mood to hate myself, thanks!

Stuff I want to do...

As always my goals are to be more productive, but well this time I will not leave my to-do list here.

Stuff I want to do here!

I would like to make a post about my experience with anxiety and panic attacks since May is mental health awareness month, and I've been wanting to do that post since the beginning of this blog. I also will probably do a post about the spring bingo I am participating in, hosted by readinswiizard on Instagram.

I guess that's it for now ... If you actually read this, well congrats and thank you ahah

Btw go check this playlist my best friend made that was the soundtrack of this post 🧡

Love, Joana

Day 38 🎵

So Easter came and go, and it was ok ... then my week is kind of a blur, I had good moments but I think I spent most of the time in bed, I really can't care enough to try to remember.

I've been reading quite a lot, I danced, I played the piano a little bit ... I had no german classes and didn't study either (shame on me), I didn't write new chapters for my story or drew.

I think this week I just felt kind of numb ... I really don't know.

So, this morning I was in quite a shitty mood overthinking about the future as I usually do and received a notification from youtube saying that Eric Saade was doing a live stream, so Eric is one of my favourite singers and back when I was like 13 I was hella obsessed with him. His live stream brought me nostalgia, I am a nostalgic person and I can actually find comfort in that feeling.

For a moment, all my worries were gone, I was a young teenager again, I was watching Eric's live stream and talking with my best friend and it brought me so many good memories. My adolescence wasn't perfect, not even close but there is something that I definitely miss from those times: the amount of faith and hope I had in me.

I wasn't popular at all despite singing out loud 24/7 a song called popular by Eric Saade actually, I hated most of my classmates and had millions of insecurities but I was 100% sure I would do great things in life. It wasn't just about dreaming big, I believed I would achieve all those dreams, it was like "no matter what happens now, one day I'll make my own life", anxiety wasn't part of the equation and I had no limits for my goals.

I am still a hopeful person, I think part of me still is, but I got quite a few calls from reality that made me less sure of my own self. That's why I like to feel nostalgic, not because it gets me back to great, wonderful, perfect times but because it brings me back to moments in which I lived the present and believed with all I had in me that the future would be great. At least I think that's the reason...

Well, today was good, after the live stream I just listened to a bunch of Eric's songs and drawn in nostalgia, I read, I ate good food, soy yogurt with cereals for lunch and lasagna for dinner, I played the piano, I took a nap, I watched a film ... I guess I wished every day was fueled with a bit of my hopeful nostalgic feeling.

With hope, Joana

Day 31 🌊

Where to start with this week??? I guess we should go by parts.

1- Compilation of week 4 of quarantine:

We got to the Easter holidays so I had no german classes, and had that holiday feeling. I started the week rewatching the last episodes of A Regra do Jogo, the amount of emotions!!!

On Saturday my dad and I went to my mom's atelier to water her plants and check the mail. My mom's workplace is quite near the beach so when we were getting there I was able to see the ocean, I am not lying when I say I cried. At that moment I was so so happy. I also dressed outside clothes to go there and was so good to feel like a normal human being again.

I read two books (I am reading quite a lot, yay!). I took some nice photos for my Instagram and did my theater homework.

I also cleaned my room a little bit. It was another unproductive week but is "spring break" so I will give myself a discount.

using red lipstick after a long time

2- Easter on quarantine:

So far I can only say that the idea of for the first time in 22 years not spending the easter with my mom's family at her hometown has been saddening me for a while. There are all these traditions that I won't be able to do this year and that was something that bothered me since the beginning of the quarantine. I guess is because I been thinking about this for a while that now that my parents are sad I kinda feel nothing, it is like I already suffered the weeks before. Am I sad? Yap, but not feeling like crying but I guess we really have to wait for Sunday to know.

3- What has been on my mind this week:

Manly at the beginning of the week there was this thought that started tormenting me "what will be of me when the quarantine is over?". I started thinking on how pretty much everyone will be happily getting back to there lives and I came to the realization that my life was already quite a quarantine, (a mental one) of course I had weekends next to the beach lunching with my parents and meetings with my friends but I wasn't really living. Like I said before, I was getting back to that dark place I already know. My mental health isn't living its best moments and I really don't know how I will deal with life after all this mess ends ... I guess I ended feeling like this quarantine gave me a reason to be the way I was for the last months and I can't really visualize what to do next.

4- About today in particular:

It is 04:44am and I am really happy writing on my blog. I had a good day, I slept well, I had a nice lunch, my dad and I finally finished watching La Casa De Papel, I talked a looooooooot with my mom, about everything, I went outside to drop the trash and walk a little bit, I went throw old photo albums with my mom and remembered moments and people that had and have a strong impact on my life despite not being here anymore. We fell on the Tik Tok rabbit hole and laughed a lot. It was a good day! 😊

5- What I would like to do next week:

First of all, enjoy Easter despite the circunstances. Then I would like to find the motivation to study german and attend my online classes and do this week's theater exercise.

I would like to keep reading and watching series that make me happy (I am so happy rewatching Merlí). I would love to draw something, practice the piano and maybe try to learn something on the guitar (it isn't a crime to dream). More realistically I would like to spend a while journaling and maybe writing. But the main goal has to always be: survive the week with the maximum of happiness and tranquility as possible.

Love from a sleepy but happy me 😗💤

PS: Put your playlist on and dance 💓

Day 17 🌞

Yesterday, after 15 days at home, with ups and downs, that followed months of a gap year with ups and downs, I went outside. Not to be dramatic, but being my dramatic self, I wanted to cry once I was outside, the sun on my skin, the wind on my body, my playlist with the usual songs I used to listen to when I was making that same path, to catch the bus to uni or the internship.

Outside I had a glimpse of my old life, of life before all the coronavirus craziness, but also about my student life ...

What matters is that in that half an hour I found the strength I thought I wouldn't get again.

Last week I was more of a mess than I already am on a daily basis but this week things were better.

One night I left the table at dinner because I couldn't stand one more piece of news on the current situation, I seat in front of the piano and decided to try something, the Skye boat song, a popular Scottish song that is also the intro to outlander. After that night it became my ritual to after-dinner, play the piano and find peace while my father watches the news.

Yesterday I decided to start exercising again, that was something I wanted to do when the quarantine started but on day 2 I caught a cold and had to stop for a whole week.

I didn't put the pressure I tried to put at first, this time. No unbreakable schedules, just things I want or have to do and trying in peace to find the time to do it.

The other day I was so lost, I couldn't focus on my german class (I hate online classes, sorry not sorry) but a good friend was there to pick up the pieces of my broken soul.💛

Today I woke up, I did my gratitude list (as I've been trying to do every day), I drank my coffee, I listened to some music while exercising and then showering, I had lunch, I went to my room and kept listening to some music while drawing, I am drawing again, something I used to love so much and haven't done for such a long time, I tried to learn how to play the guitar (I am a disaster, but a happy disaster), I vacuum cleaned the living room, my room and the bathroom (mom, yes I am working too), I got some cookies and juice, and took a nap (I had a very productive day my friends), I put the table and had a good dinner, accompanied by my everything, my parents (I love you even when I just want to yell with you), I had a beer to help too, I went to the piano and played and sang with my mom and we laughed and then I watched some tv and now I am in bed, this day was amazing, filled with simple yet wonderful things.

My drawing of the singer Aitana

I know every day won't be like this one, I know I have works to do, a room to clean, and probably still weeks of lockdown. But this week I stay with beautiful moments.

Don't be hard on yourself, be happy for every little thing you achieve, be proud of your accomplishments, no matter how small they seem, they never are 💛

Stay safe,

Joana

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