I always liked to stay at home, ever since I was a kid, watching tv, reading, drawing, writing,... I remember spending a great amount of my summer holidays at home.
Also since I finished my university course I've been living a stay at home life pretty much, I have two classes of german per week and one theatre class. Yap, what an exciting gap year, right?
However, I suffer from panic attacks and anxiety and for example, going out on the weekends is really good for me.
I have to say I've been in quite a dark place for a while, after around 2 years feeling almost recuperate from my anxiety I was starting to get back to that dark place. March was a month I was really looking forward, it is my birthday month and would be the first time in more than a year that I would be with all my best friends, the 5 of us together here at Porto, for one night 💛
On my birthday I was still able to go to Spain with my parents and one of my best friends and had a great time despite all the coronavirus inevitable conversations (for that I am incredibly thankful, yes, you do have the right to feel sad for being on quarantine during your birthday and don't let anyone tell you otherwise).
The day after my birthday the situation here in Portugal started getting worst and in a few days I was in "social isolation", and at that moment I freaked out, I am an anxious person, I am claustrophobic, I thought I would go completely crazy and everyone around me remembered me how I would stay at home anyway ... And well, I feel like being kind to myself, so you do have the right to feel anxious about this whole situation even if you live a stay at home, kinda life.
The advice for people with mental health issues included that one thing that was already advised before, have a schedule. I never followed schedules, I am terrible at being organized. Then more and more people were staying at home, and everyone had millions of ideas on things to do while at home, on how to be productive. And I thought I should have a schedule too, be productive. Now everyone was at home, and was still productive so what's my excuse to not be productive???
Everyone was saying to read that book you didn't have time before, watch that series finally, don't stay in pajamas all day ... and suddenly I couldn't read without feeling bored, watching tv without being bored ... the change the clothes idea felt good a few days, on others, I just stayed on pajamas like I used to do before.
The advice was given with good intentions, but the fact was that I realised that now that we are all at home I was feeling more useless and lazy than ever.
I am as lost as I was before this situation started, I feel more anxious, however, everyone is anxious, everyone talks about the same thing, the news goes on and on on the same things. And I try to follow the advices, I try to be productive, and I fail and then I have one more failure on my back, I am once again feeling useless, I cry and cry and cry and I feel like giving up even on the activities I did before ...
I felt this way before but I won't let myself keep on feeling this way. I won't be as productive as all the people I see around the internet, I will keep on trying to do better and I will keep on failing on many things, but I can't stop being kind with myself ... I feel overwhelmed, more than ever... I don't even know how to explain all this, because as I write this my neighbor is playing his stupid saxophone, nonstop, for hours ...
I felt this way before but I won't let myself keep on feeling this way. I won't be as productive as all the people I see around the internet, I will keep on trying to do better and I will keep on failing on many things, but I can't stop being kind with myself ... I feel overwhelmed, more than ever... I don't even know how to explain all this, because as I write this my neighbor is playing his stupid saxophone, nonstop, for hours ...
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| beautiful A Coruña 💕 - wished I was there |
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